I was watching the show “The Pitt” the other night and one of the storylines depicted an elderly couple who clearly needed to either move to assisted living or get some in-home help, and their grown daughter who was pulling her hair out trying to get them to listen to her.  Her parents were vehemently opposed to moving and her mother said she didn’t want people she didn’t know roaming around her house. ( Déjà vu!)  

Her father said to her, “Every old person knows what it’s like to be young, but no young person knows what it’s like to be old.” Wow.  That really resonated with me.  I remember when I was having a particularly heated discussion with my dad about not driving anymore and he said to me, “Just wait until you have to start taking orders from YOUR children.” 

We, as their children, start moving into the role of “parent” without even realizing it.  It happens so subtly that no one notices – until they do.   

It starts with asking them questions about their medications, their doctors, their eyesight; at first they don’t seem to mind and then they begin to realize roles are changing.  My dad realized he couldn’t keep the finances straight any longer and was more than happy to turn the bank accounts over to me to pay the bills, take care of their insurance, etc.  But when the topic of the car came up it was a whole different matter.   

The Difficult Discussion

Assisted Living – hard no.  He became very angry.  Who did I think I was to tell him he couldn’t drive anymore (didn’t matter that he’d had several fender benders by this point.) He wasn’t supposed to have certain foods with his medications and was supposed to restrict alcohol.  That started another argument.  He felt I was treating him like a child and “he had been a grown man longer than I had been alive.”  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. 

It is so difficult.  They want the help and they know they need the help, but they don’t want to admit to themselves that the time has come for some hard truths.  I didn’t want to admit the time had come either. The hardest conversation is trying to open their mind to moving to a place that is safe for them.   

We started with Home Care (aides coming in several times a week to help with bathing, housework and meals) and after dad was diagnosed with cancer eventually transitioned to Hospice and he passed away at home.  Every transition was difficult with him.  My frustration levels were off the charts. Hospice was such a blessing for our family.  Dad’s nurse was our angel on earth.  She sat my dad down and explained things in a way I couldn’t. She helped our kids, my brothers, and my husband and me.  He passed away peacefully and it was because of the wonderful care the Hospice staff provided.   

Finding Help

Shortly afterwards, our affiliated referral agency (SLS in Dallas) provided us with the names of several assisted living communities and we found the right one. Our contact, Paul, was fabulous. Things could have been so different with Dad had I known there were resources out there that could have helped me help them. 

All of this to say, the role reversal from child to parent (caregiver) is hard.  Very hard.  And we have a tendency to feel guilty when we get frustrated and angry.  There are resources out there to help, but they can only work if you use them. 

Please reach out to Senior Living Specialists  of California.  Our experts can help you find assisted living options, home care companies and people who can help YOU help your loved ones.  It is a free service and we can get answers to all of your questions.  We are here for you!