My journey as my parent’s caregiver started slowly. Dad’s mind was beginning to fail so he asked me to take overpaying bills and dealing with insurance matters. My mother had never paid the bills or taken care of anything financially related so it fell to me. Being the only daughter put me in the “not so unique” position of being responsible for my parents. Though I have two brothers who would gladly have helped more, it was me they turned to. My mother had multiple falls that resulted in two brain surgeries, multiple strokes, and cancer and as soon as I had her on solid ground my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer that metastasized. Needless to say, no breaks and things got dicey. I had to pack them up and move them three times. I attended every doctor’s appointment, kept the appointment schedule, drove them to appointments, did the grocery shopping and had multiple arguments over the car. It was a lot!
My husband traveled a great deal for his job and our kids were in high school, college and out of college. I didn’t have to take care of them, per se, but as a wife and mother I got the “guilts” for things falling through the cracks, meals not prepared, grocery shopping not done – I know you know what I’m talking about. One night I fell into bed and just sobbed. I was so tired. As soon as I fell asleep the hospital called and said my dad was being difficult and “could I come over…” It was always something.
What I was experiencing was Caregiver Fatigue or Caregiver Burnout. Caregiver fatigue is when you reach a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that develops when someone spends a tremendous amount of time caring for a loved one without a break. It doesn’t only affect the caregiver. Spouses, friends, children, adult children – we’re all affected. Common symptoms are constant exhaustion, irritability, anxiety, sadness, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite and sleeping, headaches, muscle tension – even withdrawing from friends and family.
There are a few things to keep in mind that can help you cope. The first is to accept help when it is offered. I always thought it would just be easier to do everything myself and heaven forbid that you bother someone. People want to help and they offer help because they want to. Take them up on it. Second, if nobody offers help, then ask! Lastly, take a day for yourself when you can. Make sure you keep your medical appointments, get to the gym, and eat well. Stay connected with family and friends. Join a caregiver support group (links below.)
When my dad was in hospice care our nurse told us about a respite program that we could take advantage of every six weeks. Medicare paid for my dad to stay at a skilled nursing facility so my mother could get a break and I could get a break. It is a wonderful program that everyone should take advantage of if needed.
There is no shame in asking for help. Caregiver fatigue is so personal but it’s also universal. Fortunately, there are so many different tools and resources available for people to use, but like all resources, they are only useful if people know of them and utilize them.
So many caregivers are hesitant to take time off because there are so many different things to keep track of for the loved one you’re caring for. Having all of your loved one’s medical information, medication, etc. in one handy location can help you prepare for vacations and unforeseen circumstances.
Our SLS of CA family has compiled a “handoff notebook” for caregivers. Fill out the forms in the notebook and it will be ready to “handoff” to another caregiver when you need a break or some unforeseen circumstance arises. It will contain every note, document, etc., that anyone would need to care for your loved one. Please see the link below to download the PDF.
Please take a look at our resource page to find support groups, programs and the handbook. Being a caregiver for a loved one is an honor and a true act of love, but it is an emotionally and physically taxing time. Senior Living Specialists of CA is here for you!
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